Met You @ The Gorge 2016

Do you ever feel like you meet people for a reason? That sometimes when you meet certain people, they make a mark in your heart and you can't get them out? Sometimes I think that when I meet special people they make an impression on me that I will never forget. Sometimes I meet a person who is incredibly special and I will never forget them. They are forever imprinted on my heart.

I really love life. Lately I've been thinking about my soulmate. I know he will be lovely. He will love Jesus and promote Him in his daily life. He will love me for me, and not for my accomplishments or what I try to be. He will love Dave Matthews and we will spend Saturday mornings tangled in our sheets. He will know how to grill and be disciplined. He will know how to make me laugh on Tuesdays. He will be the Captain of our ship. He will love pizza. He is tall, and handsome. He is a manly man who knows how to do handy man kind of things. He can hang my pictures and build me shelves, but will also sing me pretty little diddys and tell me he loves me daily.

Is this too much to ask for a woman of 28? Kids are not a deal breaker to me. I am almost 30 and I'm okay with not ever having children.  Many people thing when I say this that I mean I don't want kids. Not completely correct. It's just that having kids isn't a deal breaker for me. I enjoy my time and my money. That isn't a crime. And when I find my soulmate, if we never have kids, it won't bother me. If we do, that will be cool too. I will enjoy everyday with him. We will enjoy traveling and eating breakfast at our favorite cafe, cooking dinner together, and watching movies on the couch.

I say all this because I recently met someone who is very special. He made me think about life and how amazing it will continue to be. This person has caused me to long for my soulmate. He is beautiful person, and sometimes you don't realize how beautiful people until you spend a little bit of time with them. Sometimes you can tell someone is wonderful why just being in there presence for a moment. Sometimes you can see it in their eyes. This man's eyes were incredible. People are so wonderful. They are all different and interesting and they all deserve a piece of our time. If we never take any time for anyone, we will not know life. I am so happy to have met this being who has made me think so much more about life and what it could be. This human has inspired me and made me look at the world, and life, with wonder. I owe it to him to live! :)

Alone and wine

Isn't life such a funny thing?  I am sitting here alone in my home, blasting 90's alternative radio station on pandora, drinking a glass of wine.  Not straight wine, but I like to mix my wine with Sprite... A spritzer you could say, I suppose. It's soft red. I'm not a fan of white wine, but red alone is just a little too bitter. However, when mixed with Sprite, it's delicious.  ANyway, I'm highly enjoying my evening alone.  I have 7 roommates, so being alone is quite rare.  But I'm am enjoying it.  I should be doing homework or studying or something, but I'm just choosing to relax. I think that's ok.  I straightened the living room and kitchen, and did the dishes. Only one plate and one fork which I dirtied. But I did them anyway...

I've been having a lot of things to say lately, and I always wish I had somewhere to write them when I did, so I decided to write at least one blog and put some stuff down.  I would like to start blogging often, but in reality, ....hold on, Under the Bridge just came on and I'm going to lay back and engage... Ok I'm back... As I was saying... in reality, I probably won't write many blogs, but there's always a chance right?

Well, to start off, much change has been happening in my life lately. Just over 2 years ago, I moved back to my home state.  It was a much thought about and prayed about decision, but I decided that it was the right thing to do.  I miss Oklahoma and my life there. I miss the people, my friends, my church, but it was just right for me to move home.  Within 2 months of moving home, I started nursing school. Something I had never really thought about doing, but once again, it just felt right.  Nursing school was tough. It was a strain on my brain, and I learned A LOT! It was a real culture shock for me because I had never previously been a part of the medical/health field. But I absolutely fell in love with it. I graduated with my LPN 50 weeks later, and have been working as an LPN for 11 months now. In May, my cousin Dani (also an LPN and one of my inspirations for becoming a nurse myself) and I began RN school. This RN program (and nursing school as a whole) has been one of the toughest things I have ever done in my life of almost 28 years. It has also been one of the most rewarding.  I did not go to nursing school for anyone else, but I went for myself. And that feels good. 

For the past 8 months, I have also been living with my cousins. This has been a stretch.  There are 8 of us in the house. 4 adults and 4 kids.  Dani has 3 kids and Becky has 1. Becky's son lives with us every other week.  Living with my cousins has been challenging at times, but it has been nothing less than awesome. Every one of us is different so there are many different dynamics and personalities, many similarities, and many different pet-peeves to get used to. But all in all, we all love each other and do our best to get along. I appreciate my cousins, because I know no matter what, they will love and support me. As they do now. And I them. In fact, I am closer with them than I am most of my siblings. I just love hem so much. So not only do Dani and I live together and go to school together, but we also work together! We are pretty much together most of the time. Sometimes we have our disagreements, and awkward misunderstandings, but for the most part we don't get sick of each other, we enjoy each other's company quite often. It's nice. Becky and I are a lot alike, so we get along really well. We enjoy a lot of the same tv shows, foods, and things to do, so her and I often cook together, watch tv together, and most recently have been hitting the gym together. There's not much we fight about either, so it makes for really enjoyable life.

Well, Becky just got home. I wanted to write so much more, but there's a different dynamic in the home now, so I don't feel it...

Until we meet again, 

Cheers.

Xoxo

Possibly Better, Never.

Well, here it is. Your birthday. I'm totally sick and have been on my near-death bed for the last two days, and can't tell you all about it.  My days are constantly filled with moments like those. The moments I want to tell you all about.  But I constantly refrain myself from doing so.  It seems to hurt less that way. I was at the prettiest wedding the other day, for instance, I think it might've been the most pretty wedding I've ever been to, and all I wanted to do was show you. I don't know how I found myself in this situation.  I'm inebriated by you.  Sometimes you fill my thoughts constantly.  Daily.  I try to rid you from my mind.  Sometimes I go hours with out thinking of you too, then you have to send me a text and remind me that yes, you still are out there.  It's funny that a silly little text can basically send me right back to where I was.  Upset, sad, happy, frustrated most of all.  I can't believe I let someone have this much control over how I feel.  And I can't believe that you are still reminding me that you're there.  But it's the kind of 'there' that is just beyond my reach. Like I can outstretch my arm and my hand and my fingers, but you're still just there right past my fingertips.  Unreachable.  Unattainable.  And then I die a little.  For a few days go through a slight depression.  Finally kick it and am thinking about you less and less, then my phone dings and there's your name.  With another text.  Reminding me, once again, you're still 'there'.  I really have mixed feelings about it all, and I think that might be the hardest part.  Most of me just wants to forget about you.  There's no future for me here.  Why am I wasting my time on this?  Nothing since the start of this has come into fruition for ME.  Why would it change now?  It's really terrible that I'm overly hopeful.  Because the part of me that doesn't want to forget, it's that part that holds on.  And somehow just doesn't care.  It's that part of me that loves without abandon.  I fight a constant war against myself.  And the part of me that is reason, logic, the part that wants to forget about you will win.  Eventually.  Because you can't hold on to something that you don't have, so eventually the part of me that forgives, loves, hopes, that part will realize that it's all false.  That no matter what it was told, it wasn't real.  And that is the ugly truth.  But until then, I will be inebriated by you.    

Life is so funny, isn't it?  This past week I have dealt with a lot of emotion and haven't really been able to talk to anyone about it.  So I find myself here, with you. 


All my life, I have had such a big heart.  I have cared a big amount for people that I meet, or have contact with... People I make friends with... I've been that way my whole life.  And a lot of my life I have gone misunderstood, alone in the sense that no one else understands why or how I care so much for certain people.  For the most part I have gotten used to it, but I am still amazed when people take it for granted.  I'm a 100% person.  I give all I have.  It doesn't matter what it is, whether it be friendships, jobs, I give 100% of myself.  If I commit to something, I will put my whole heart into whatever it is I have committed myself to.  I'm in things for the long run.  I'm just not a short term person.  I look at the big picture.  Sometimes it might take me a while to make a decision, but once I make that decision, I'm committed to said decision.  I'm all in, and I stand by my decisions.  I've always been a genuine person.  I say what I mean, and I mean what I say.  I don't understand why people feel they need to say things they don't mean.  I am literally amazed at the fact that some people can say things that they don't mean all the time.  Which is probably why I'm so taken back when people say things and then act differently.  I'm not perfect, none of us are, and here and there words may slip out of my mouth that I didn't intend or even really think. I am usually quick to take those words back the best I can, but some people just have a habit about saying things they don't mean... of lying.... they actually think about what to say, even when they don't mean it.  I try to believe the best about people, and take them at their word until they show me otherwise... I hate when they prove me wrong.  I really just wish people would be straight with their words.  Don't mess with a person, especially one who is genuine in their actions toward you.  It's just messed up... The fact that crap like this is still going on in my life is disappointing.  I'm really just disappointed that I'm getting fooled by people.  Sometimes I think I care too much.  But then I realize that caring that much is what I like about myself.  It gets me in trouble sometimes, gets my feelings hurt, but I couldn't imagine caring less... I have a huge heart, and I think its one of my most endearing qualities.  I wouldn't change it...

Life

I love Jesus.
Period.

A Poem I Wrote January 2008

Coffee shops with dim lit lights
Sugar free cocoa on new music nights
The man with the guitar using his voice
My heart is dancing to the beat of the noise
Green beanie cap of alpaca wool
Old men and women, kids from high school
A singer a drummer bass and guitar
Collection of wishes as if kept in a jar
And here and now in this cozy coffee shop
They could be anywhere on earth but they’re right on top

blueberry muffin

I think things in life are what you make of them. You have a choice. If something unfortunate happens, you can choose to be bummed or angry about it. Or you can choose to let it roll off your shoulder and be happy. Sometimes I get tired of people choosing their depression over joy. Choosing to be sad about losing a game instead of being happy that they even have the ability to play. Sure, it happens to me too, but for the most part I let things go and choose to be happy. Choose to let it not negatively affect me. Choose to see the good in things. When I was little, my stepmother and a couple of my step-siblings would always make fun of me, calling me a pessimist, saying, "no wonder Eeyore is your favorite character". I hated it. It was very deprecating. And I was quite affected by it. Somewhere down the road, sometime during high school, I made it a goal to be happy. Through out high school I searched for the happiness, thinking I'd found it. I even had it tattooed on my back. After high school, the feeling of unhappiness just got worse and worse. I tried filling it with things I'd felt euphoric from before, but nothing. Then I chose. I chose to get away from almost everything I'd ever known to seek out something else. This decision is the best decision I have made to this day. My decision to seek Jesus has brought me more than just happiness, but life. I cannot express how happy I am, truly happy. Yeah, I might seem sad or down or mad at times or some days, but overall, I am HAPPY. I have joy. Unspeakable joy. And I owe it all to Jesus.